Finding Ellen

Talked to the boy last night and I don’t think anything is going to change any time soon. So that leaves me with a decision to make. Stay with him, never talk to him, try to move on while I’m still “with” him or break up with him, never talk to him, possibly regret it and feel even more lonely knowing he didn’t fight for me, think about him hooking up with other girls. 

I know what I should do. but I don’t want to be alone. I don’t know. I would rather fool myself into thinking that he still likes me and cares for me and misses me instead of giving him up. This sucks. 

I have very few friends at school. My own fault. But I don’t know how to change that. D and I could be friends, but he has a girlfriend and I would feel very weird about hanging out with him. Maybe he’ll just be my gym buddy… 

Today is Friday and my day involves possibly studying, babysitting and then… probably nothing. I really need a social life. Like now. Or at least start to be productive at home. 

I just want someone to care about me. Think about me. Invest some time in me. This isn’t me being a needy girlfriend. It’s what comes with being in a relationship. Caring. And not assuming the other knows you care or that you think of them often. It’s taking the time to remind them how special they are. What they mean to you. How much better their life is with you in it.

And ya know what? I don’t think this is too much to expect. 

I DESERVE BETTER! 

I don’t want change. Because then that means that I have to care. Think. Feel. All of which are too scary right now. I am where I am and I don’t want to think about what that means. I’m relatively content where I am. I have made myself okay with my life. So even if it means being happier, I don’t want anything to change. I don’t care about the possibility of being happier, I am just terrified of the risk and the chance that I can fall and fall hard. Lose everyone that I love, find out that I’m not as memorable or important as I hoped I was. In just one day, everything will change. What state I live in, what I call home, who my friends are. I don’t know who I am, so I use where I live as my idenity. But I won’t be able to soon. I will be in three different states. And won’t belong in any of them. 

I’m so weak. I can’t do this. I haven’t been able to face these things with my best friends supporting me. How am I going to do it by myself, when they are all gone?